Just me

It has been nearly two years since my last post. I am surprised it took so long for me to feel like I should write again. I have changed so much in the last two years, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I was reading a post of mine from Sept 11 2008 (I think) about the word ENOUGH and my journey to change how I saw the word. I would like to report to you that I have achieved my goal of letting this word go, but that would be a lie. What I have learned these last two years was that I am enough just as I am. Whether I exercise enough, or look nice enough, or say enough of the right things...it is enough. God will help me to change those parts of me that he doesn't like, I don't have to worry about the enoughs in my life anymore.

The last two years have brought a lot of growth for me as a person. Not only am I happy and content with me, I don't feel a huge need to change everyone else in my life to fit my world view. I have learned to let my husband be who he is and do whatever he does and feel the benefits or consequences of those choices. I don't have to try and fix him. The same goes for my kids, if they ask, I advise them, otherwise I make an effort to let them make their decisions too. I think as a mother it is easy to feel responsible for the choices that your family makes. Their decisions affect how the family does or does not work together, and it feels like we are responsible to make it work as good as it can. What this ends up making us is the outsider in our family. We are ever vigilant of the innerworkings of the relationships, which means we cannot simply enjoy them. I can honestly say that now, I simply enjoy my family...as is, and it is wonderful.

I have also embarked on a new path, I am working toward a degree, a real live bachelor's degree and someday a master's degree. This is something I always wanted to do, but never felt free to pursue because it was not the responsible thing to do. Spending the money to pursue a goal, to get a job that will make less than I do now, seems ridiculous, but it has been so fulfilling. I am finding out so much about myself in this process. I am remembering that I am smart and capable. I had forgotten that.

My lifestyle has changed dramatically in that I am only home right after work on Fridays. The rest of the week, I have school or exercise. I rarely get the opportunity to take care of my husband by cooking for him, but he has done a wonderful job of supporting me as I have him for so many years. I am so thankful for him and am looking forward to the next 60 or so years together. :)

I am also learning how to take care of me without guilt. I exercise by doing yoga outside of my house a few times a week. This is a practice that takes away my stress to a large degree. While my instructor might say I am not practicing yoga if I think during it, I pray while I practice. This gives me special time with God a few days a week. Sometimes, I don't have anything to pray about and I just spend my time thanking Him for all of the blessings in my life, sometimes I pray for the strangers and yoga friends in the room, other times, I am praying fervently to God for answers to situations in my life. The prayer keeps my spirit and attitude in line while the yoga changes my body and mind simultaneously. Many Christians are concerned with the practice of Yoga and to be honest, it is wonderful to be cautious. The studio that I practice at does not bring the religion of yoga into the room, so I feel safe practicing there.

I feel like I have so much to say, but I am rambling, so for now I will close.